|Picture credit: TomCruise.com. You’re welcome, ladies.
Motherhood qualifies you for lots of things. A medal, for one. The Mummy CV is vast and includes such roles as taxi driver, referee, cook, maid, counsellor, tutor, nurse, PA, bank – the list goes on. But have you thought outside the box? Your experience as a mother will also have provided you with a very specific set of transferable skills for your future use.
1. Baby change tour guide. I bet you could tell a visitor the location of every baby change within a 50-mile radius of your home, plus which services have the best ones on your commonly-travelled routes. The cafes where they don’t mind if you don’t buy anything, the ones where they really do, the ones where they have paper towels instead of those Airblades that terrify the children into hysteria (what were you thinking, Dyson?). Knowledge like that has a price, my friend!
2. 7oz cocktail technician. Tom Cruise, eat your heart out. Can you pour out 7oz of liquid, in the dark, every time, while shaking with sleep deprivation? How many times have you as a mother stumbled downstairs in the middle of the night to prepare a baby’s bottle? You could own that bar! As long as no one wants a bigger or smaller drink.
3. Baseball backstop. They probably don’t call it a backstop, but I was brought up on rounders so backstop it is. And you would make a great one! Think of when you caught your baby’s sick as he started to projectile in a cafe. Or a toddler’s poo in the swimming pool. Or a child’s chewed-up sausage as he started to choke / realise he doesn’t like it any more. You have the reflexes of a cat and nerves of steel!
4. Spy. The number of white lies you tell per day, you’re a shoe-in for this role. “Of course the ‘tooth fairy’ will come tonight.” “Your brother did not have more than you.” “You’ve had the last chocolate mini roll.” (Nom nom.)
5. Sprinter. If your child was falling off a slide at the finish line, you would beat the world record by miles. Ditto if someone was opening some procecco.
6. Body language expert. You’re attending a police interview. You’re watching the accused closely. You can tell within a nanosecond: that guy needs to do a poo-poo.
7. Sniffer dog. Furthering your police work, you can apply your nasal dexterity to their man-hunts, honed in the years of identifying whose baby has got a dirty nappy, where that smell in the car is coming from (it’s always the apple core under the seat), and whether your oldest can really smell his brother’s yoghurt from the other side of the table.
8. Lego innovator. You know what I would do? Sell each set with a magnet that attracts all the pieces back to it once they are inevitably spread all over the house, leaving crying parents and children in their wake. Also put a second copy of every mini-figure in a For Parents’ Eyes Only sealed box, for when they take the first ones to school and lose them. Even though you told them not to. Oh, and do a collaboration with Swarovski for crystal-studded studs. What do you think, Lego? Sign here?
9. Prosecco taster. With an almost infinite capacity for the fizzy stuff, we are ideally suited to this most onerous of tasks.
What would you add to this list?