Humans are a kindly breed, generally. They rarely say what they think to your face, above all if it’s about your children. But through years of experience, I have decoded a few popular phrases uttered in the direction of your offspring.
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What They Say
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What They Mean
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1. Oooh, gorgeous!
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Is it a boy or a girl? Where are its eyes?
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2. We are a child-friendly pub / restaurant / café / museum.
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We are not a child-friendly pub / restaurant / café / museum.
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3. Oof, she’s a heavy one, isn’t she?
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What’s in your boobs, chocolate milk?
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4. Ah, he’s so dinky.
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Are you feeding him at all?
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5. I’m so sorry!
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I’m not sorry at all. Your child blatantly just hit mine.
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6. Bit snuffly, isn’t she?
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Take her to hospital now!
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7. I’ll text you to arrange.
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I’m never having her for a playdate again.
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8. He’s very sensitive, isn’t he?
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He’s such a crybaby!
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9. They’re very lively, aren’t they?
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Seriously, if they don’t stop jumping round my furniture, I’m going to kick you out.
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10. She’s very shy, isn’t she?
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Oh my goodness, she’s wet.
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11. She’s been absolutely fine.
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She’s taken my house to pieces and made everyone cry. Don’t ever darken my doorstep again.
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12.She’s very confident.
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Does she ever stop talking?
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13. Is she OK up there?
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Are you the most irresponsible mother ever?
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14. How old is he, again?
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He’s a shortarse, isn’t he?
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15. He loves his food.
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What a pig!
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16. We are all about encouraging children to read.
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If your children don’t stop running round the library, I’m calling the police.
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17. She’s a good girl, isn’t she?
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She’s unnervingly dull.
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18. He’s really bright, isn’t he?
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Does he ever go outside?
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19. Your children are so sweet together.
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Are you going to intervene before they kill each other or what?
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20. Are they all yours?
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You poor cow.
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21. Thirsty little fella.
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That was my beer.*
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* only joking
Obviously, many people say these things and mean exactly what they say, bless their hearts. For the others, smile sweetly – and avoid them for the rest of your life.
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hahaha! So funny because it’s true x
Thanks Kim! I’ve heard (and said) them all enough to spot a theme!x
If I say “Oh hasn’t he got tiny hands!” that means I think your child is ugly. Fact. Fab post lovely lady and I like your avatar piccy. Super pretty x
That’s a good one – nice of you to pick out a positive! If tiny hands are positive. Thanks for your lovely compliment – blush! x
Love it! I’ve definitely done the ‘ooh, gorgeous!’ when I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl!
So hard to tell! And so hard not to take offence!
These only become an issue if your relationship has survived the ‘When is it due?’ asked sympathetically of a just-met woman, a week after the baby arrived.
Oh dear, that’s the absolute worst! If I’m not sure, I just smile and prevaricate.
These are painfully true, Jess. I can think of far too many occasions when I’ve either said many of these or had them said to me. I’m so paranoid about getting the gender of a baby wrong that I will invariably call them “they” rather than he or she.
I know, better to be safe than sorry! I suppose a veil of politeness is preferable for the good of inter-parental relations.
Hilarious Jess! I’ve used the ‘lively’ one many’s a time! And with new babies ai generally ask the name. Which is foolproof until they’re called something non-gender specific like Ali or Alex! 🙂 xx
Damn those unisex names! Yes, my boys are the lively ones round here.xx
PMSL – my kids are the ones running riot while I gossip, drink wine and am oblivious! What do you mean you can’t do that in a library haha … xx
That would make library trips so much less stressful. The children have a field day when we’re not looking – they love it! xx
Hahaa love this! I hear #’s 9, 12 and 20 rather too often Lol xx
I get 20 a lot – obviously not pulling off that breezy mama expression!xx
Ha ha fab jess! Can relate to many of these, even saying some myself!
p.s sorry have been wifi-less so very behind on reading and commenting! You have been on fire lately where are you finding the time?! 😉 x
I’m staying up late! I’m definitely guilty of a few of these, always meant kindly though 😉 x
Very funny! And alarmingly so true! x
Thank you!
Lol love it, I’m sure we have all said some of these, and definitely had them said to us! 🙂 xx #thetruthabout
Yes, it’s the common parlance in buggyland! x
Oh, so true… I have been guilty of some of these… But I am now getting used to hearing ‘she’s very confident…’ and I know damn fine they mean, does she ever stop talking 🙂
Bless her, I’m sure she has a lot of very important things to say!
So funny! I’ve been on both ends of these phrases! Sometimes it does get a wee bit difficult to decipher whether or not they mean what they are saying outright or not, though!!
Absolutely. Safest to take things at face value, I feel!
Haha, these are brilliant. Most people just assume our baby girl is a boy even if she’s dressed head to toe in pink. #thetruthabout
Jenna at Tinyfootsteps xx
Ah, cute! Pink is a bit of a giveaway – although I do like to pop a pink top on my boys sometimes!x
Brilliant post. So many familiar comments
Thank you!
Ooo gorgeous happens to the best of us.Come back pink and blue clothes. All is forgiven. Great post honey x
Thanks hon!x
Fabulous post! I especially love #11!
That is pretty much every playdate we’ve had or hosted ever, sadly! They do get overexcited with a friend to play, don’t they?
Hahahaa I never know what to say when I can’t work out the gender!! 🙂
It’s a perennial problem! x
Hehehee! I’m loving your spin on that game from Mock the Week. Oh so true – and reminds me of the diplomatic terms they use at nursery like “he’s had some issues with his listening skills today” (aka: take your child home and confine him to the naughty step for at least three hours”) 🙂 Thanks for joining me again for #thetruthabout Xx
Thanks for hosting! “Issues with listening skills” – love it! xx
….. that last one made me laugh! X
Thanks hon! x
brilliant! I always live in fear or the ‘bonny baby’ = fat!
Yes, absolutely! There’s a lot of code words for babies – all of them are beautiful to their mummy though!
Ha ha yes all sooo true and a few good ones to use in the future too
Excellent – a few of those have been said to me and I am sure they meant your “translation”!
Crying with laughter here. Do you know we were looking at some of Oliver’s early pictures where he looked like Michelin Man’s baby and Mum and I were rolling on the floor laughing because we thought he was well, gorgeous at the time and he really, really wasn’t but he was UGLY gorgeous if that makes sense (only to a mother). Sure he turned out and within like a month or so (phew) into a beautiful little baby (not that it matters-LIE) but kids change and aren’t always cute and all this pretending nonsense is exhausting. I’m still pretending though 😉 Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts xx
This made me laugh 🙂
Oh dear… read this with pangs of recognition. Hangs head in shame.
You made me laugh 🙂 Great post! I’ll be sharing this via my facebook page xx
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