There are some parenting mistakes you make time and time again. Taking them out for a meal and expecting not to get indigestion. Assuming they heard you the first ten times you asked them to put their school shoes on. Expecting them to have a two-hour nap as you have loads to do. Telling the babysitter, “They definitely won’t be sick, have a nightmare, spike a temperature or wake up in the 79 minutes we are out of the house.”
But there are some that you really only need to make once to learn your lesson:
1. Fastening a nappy on a baby boy with his wee man pointing up. Two words: wet neck. Or, indeed, fastening his nappy too slowly.
Nothing like a wee in the face to initiate you into the world of parenthood.
2. Taking them on holiday– and expecting it to be a holiday.
3. Wearing white clothes. Wearing black clothes. Wearing any clothes that you care about.
4. Shaking a bottle of Calpol with the lid not properly on. The Holy Grail of parenting it may be, but it is the stickiest stuff known to man. And it stains.
5. Wearing a skirt to soft play. Think you can just sit and drink coffee while the children romp? No, you will be up there, crawling through the tunnels, basically flashing the dad behind you.
6. Thinking silence is bliss. They are up to something.
7. Taking a child with a stomach upset in the car. Sometimes you just can’t help it, but that is a school run with a hefty price tag, as anyone who has delved into the inner crevices of a car seat will know.
8. Doing nappy-free time when your baby hasn’t pooed in the last five minutes. And 8b) Not noticing that your little treasure has made a deposit till it’s too late. Never bath a baby barefoot.
9. Not bothering with a bib. How can bolognaise stain, right?
10. Putting a child in his special occasion clothes more than 30 seconds before the happy event.
11. Shaking a baby’s bottle with the collar unscrewed. Or without that so-called magic anti-colic ring.
12. Letting the baby “look after” your only set of car keys. Which also has the house keys on. When you were due at the doctor five minutes ago.
13. Thinking they’ll last till the next service station for a breast-feed. You will immediately encounter standstill traffic. Trying to feed a baby while they’re still in the carseat is a contortion too far (believe me, I’ve tried).
14. Putting your hand under the bubbles in the bath without checking for ‘submarines’. A child’s ability to stealth-poo is without parallel.
15. Going on a very windy road with kids in the back.
16. Taking baby’s swimming nappy off without realising that bulge is not just pool water.
17. Giving a baby a whole bottle of full-fat milk when he’s just recovered from a tummy bug.
18. Picking up the puzzles “later”. Those colourful little pieces will never be reunited again. Till you move house. If you’re lucky.
19. Letting your child eat a whole punnet of grapes while out shopping. They’re a laxative – who knew?
20. Believing you couldn’t possibly love them any more than you already do.
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You may also like: ‘Parenting: Then and Now’. Then: baby bent over. Now: he does baby yoga.
This post is also featured on The Huffington Post.
This post is also featured on The Huffington Post.
Oh these are so true….my worst nightmare is the swim nappy one.
I know – the added squelchiness and public setting is just the pits!
I’ve definitely done the nappy willy thing. Now he’s a toddler though! Not pleasant!
It’s not something they teach you in NCT is it?
Can’t stop laughing – everyone a wa-ha-ha, thank you!
Thanks, so delighted to give you a laugh.
Oh dear! There’s a definite theme here, isn’t there? We definitely learn quickly from anything poo or vomit related!
There’s something about the supreme grossness of it that really concentrates the mind!
Great post. I once made the never-to-be-repeated-very-rookie-mistake of popping to the shops without the change bag. That was when my eldest (then 13 months) projectiled EVERYWHERE. I had to drive home in my bra!
Oh my goodness, that sounds brilliant! I’ve forgotten the changing bag a few times but not had to do a full strip!
Oh dear – I’ve done so many of those. If only we could say we learnt our lessons and did them just once!!
I know, I’ve definitely done a few of them more than once. You forget between children I think!
Oh this made me laugh. I have done each and every one of those things. Now I have baby number 2 and guess what..I’m doing them all again! Amazing how u forget.
Yes, exactly, either we forget or hope springs eternal that it couldn’t possibly happen again!
Yep there’s a few there!! I should be a pro if number three ever comes along haha
Each new baby has an amazing capacity to surprise though!
Allso true, but 20 is obviously what it’s all about and I have to agree wholeheartedly with 6 too – our kids are always loud, so when we do get those brief moments of silence they are definitely up to something!
Agree! there seems to be quite a theme here. I guess we don’t really realise how much kids poo until it seems to be constantly appearing :/ And no, I didn’t know grapes were a laxative! Good to know….
I think I’ve done most of these! And calpol – there’s just nothing like it! We’ve got a splodge on the floor in the baby’s room and and huge splattering on the wall – I’ve wiped them up but it makes no difference! who decided it should be pink?!
We had a massive splodge of Infacol on our carpet in our old house – Calpol’s evil twin.
Lol! Nodding and smiling at all of these!! I too have tried to breastfeed a baby that was in a car seat, and I’m not blessed with large equipment either. I think my back actually broke!
It’s pretty much impossible to do, and imagine if the police went by…!
Ha! Brilliant just brilliant, add a disclaimer please.. Do not read Wry mummy whilst eating cornflakes, you will laugh so hard you spit said cornflakes over baby!
Sorry, poor baby! Glad I made you laugh.
Hahahahaha! I loved this- so true! Every single one of them! x
Thanks Katie! x
Love this – so very true! Have done quite a few of these 🙂
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It is no coincidence that I wore a cream dress and a white dress to Britmums.
And as we speak, my 2-year old is pulling and tugging at his willy, so it will inevitably be pointing upwards in his nappy.
Speaking of him pulling and tugging, my 3-year old recently approached me with the following news: “Mummy, there’s a poo in the living room.”
It turns out that my 2-year old (then 1), had reached into his nappy and pulled out a poo, before discarding it on the living room floor, with not a trace of said poo in his intact nappy.
Moral of the story: you don’t even need to have nappy-free time for your house to get covered in crud.
Fiona @ Free Range Chick recently posted…What, it isn’t just the day after Britmums Live 2015?
I’d like to add burping a baby over your shoulder, whilst in front of anyone, or anything…..my eldest managed to sick over approximately twenty stacked (fabric seat) chairs, a sanded wooden floor, and my belly dance outfit (complete with veil) when she was a baby!