I don’t need a hero. I don’t even need a full-time nanny (though sometimes I think that would be nice). I don’t need a three-day nanny, either. I just need a ten-minute nanny.
Home time. I let the older two out and they run to the front door, baying for me to open it right NOW! I open the door for them, go back for the toddler, who has by now twisted himself almost out of his straps. I release him into the hall and take a deep breath. The clock starts…now!
- Go back to car, bring in the book bags, PE bags, violin, changing bag, my handbag, my overflow handbag, two bags of shopping, all the coats, hats and gloves plus one leaking smoothie carton, an ancient baby bottle that’s rolled out from under the seat, a split packet of rice cakes, the biscuit barrel that seems to come with us everywhere, the baby’s blanket, the middlie’s comfort toy that I wouldn’t let him take into school and kept in the car to keep his seat warm for him for after school and a Tupperware of toast crusts from this morning’s breakfast sitting round the table having a wholesome family conversation. Minimum two trips (I have big hands and stubbornness).
- Shut car doors – Heaven forfend that my children should shut a door after themselves.
- Go back in house for key and lock car.
Meanwhile, I am also expected to:
- Take everyone’s shoes off. Yes, they do it in PE. No, they can’t do it at home.
- Put the tea on
- Take the toddler to the loo
- Take the other two to the loo, because they like a luxury wipe when at home.
- Turn the TV on.
- Find the right Kate and Mim-Mim.
- No, not THAT one, mummy!
- Give them all apple juice.
- Find the Lego light sabre that went under the sofa in a scuffle that morning.
- Break up the current scuffle
- Give them all a biscuit.
- Give them all a cut-up apple.
- Give the baby some milk.
- Catch a toddler toppling off the arm of the sofa
- Reprimand the boy who pushed him
- Reassure the boy that this doesn’t mean I want him to go away forever
- Ask the other boy to stop complaining about the crying noise
- Is tea ready?
- Can you open the back door?
- Can you dry the trampoline? (With what, darling, my actual hair?)
Meanwhile…
I am absolutely, pelvic-floor crunchingly, eye-wateringly DESPERATE for the loo.
All I want is someone to do all that other stuff. While I have a wee. I don’t care if I’m alone in the loo or not, I just want an extra pair of hands. Just for ten minutes.
When’s your crunch time? When do you need a ten-minute nanny?
Oh Jess another if only it weren’t actually bloody true post! I was literally thinking about this yesterday – about how much stuff I’m expected to do all at once. I was in the midst of it when my eldest dropped one of her (many) felt tips on the floor and said in all seriousness ‘can you get that, I’m just not in the mood’. Of course darling, I have nothing else to do but wait for you to bark orders me 😉
I’d like a to be greedy and have a three hour nanny who took care of the whole after school, tea, bath, witching hour shebang. Ahhhh nice to dream isn’t it xxx
Renee @ Mummy Tries recently posted…Inspirational Enough for a Blogging Award?
Yes yes and YES! I would love one at teatime as my eldest refuses to ever eat the same as the rest of us. Then everyone decides they want a drink. Or an extra knife that they’ve dropped. Then ketchup. Then some kitchen roll. I JUST WANT TO EAT MY DINNER WHEN ITS NOT FREEZING!!!
Beth Twinderelmo recently posted…Wicked Wednesdays – My Favourite EVER
Love this. I’ve been complaining a lot lately about my family’s complete inability to unpack a car. Not even my husband could do it. An extra pair of hands around teatime would always come in useful to sort out school bags and get the tea started so I could actually listen to my daughter read more frequently than on every three weeks!
Sarah MumofThree World recently posted…The rabbit dress
Haha I am with you on this one. I’m also really bad at getting out of the house on time, I could really do with a 10 minute nanny to sort out the three year old so I can get myself up! x
Fiona recently posted…The Disappointment That Is Post-Preschool Chats
Ah yes, the “just while I dry my hair” nanny – that would be awesome! x
hehehe Love this…
I could do with some help on a morning….The 10 minutes before we leave for school are always crazy x
Kim Carberry recently posted…30 Years of Neighbours!
Oh, I totally agree. Somehow I handle it better then as everyone’s full of breakfast and not too tired. x
Ooh I’d have to have a two hour nanny 5-7pm! That is just the time I dread every day. Thank God I only have two children 🙂 Xx
Sam recently posted…The Truth about… #19
I need a 10 day nanny! Fuck 10 minutes… Lol 😉 sorry got to go I’ve just realised I’ve been holding a wee since Tuesday.
Ha ha ha! You go and let it out, lady! x
Ha! So bloody true! Why oh why are we never allowed to just do one thing at a time? Or, expect any help whatsoever from our kids to unpack the car 🙂
Sara (@mumturnedmom) recently posted…Alphabet Photography Project: J is for Jump
I have to beg them to take their own book bags in, and they’re all “It’s so HEAVY, mum! I can’t believe you’re making me carry it!” Gah!x
Thanks so much for sharing with #ThePrompt. This fits the theme of Cinderella perfectly!
Sara (@mumturnedmom) recently posted…The Prompt: Week 60
Oh my god, this is terrifying! I only have the one, and am lucky to have my mum to help when I need a break. I can’t imagine having 3 to deal with – aahhh! Supermum! #sharewithme
Sabrina x
themummystylist.com
Sabrina recently posted…Top 6 Boys Clothes at River Island – Spring 2015
It’s only bad for that ten minutes…honest 😉 Ah lovely you have mum to help out. x
Ha ha! Fabulous huni! I just need a Nanny #FullStop 🙂 x
You Baby Me Mummy recently posted…Brilliance in Blogging Awards 2015
Yes, this! This same time, as soon as we get back home from school, and they need a whole heap of things doing ‘immediately’!
The Reading Residence recently posted…Easy Easter Bonnet
Jess, this has to be one of my favourite of all your posts. ‘They like a luxury wipe when at home,’ is the best line ever. And of course I can relate to EVERYTHING. If this doesn’t go viral there is no justice in the (social media) world. x
Jude recently posted…#ThingsOnlyParentsSay
Aw thanks Jude! Yes, it’s luxury wipes all round here! xx
I’d love a ten minute nanny!
But I’d really like a ten minute ‘manny’….A good looking one-ike Freddie Prince Junior on Friends. Then the kids will be sorted and ill have someone pretty to look at!
PS. Who plays the violin in your house? I immediately feel horrifically sorry for you. I tolerate groups of beginner violins on a weekly basis and it ain’t pleasant.
Bet your eardrums have ruptured!!xxx
Carry On Katy recently posted…Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
Ooh, a manny – now you’re talking! It’s my eldest on the old fiddle. I’m still at the stage where every sound he makes from it is a joy to my ears. That’s motherly love for ya! x
Did you know that The Prompt tomorrow is Cinderella? This would fit perfectly! I whined a similar piece out today – it doesn’t get any easier, trust me! What have we done to deserve this? *cries*
Suzanne recently posted…This Season…
Ooh I didn’t know that, will join in if not too late. Shush now with all your “doesn’t get easier” chat! x
Great Post! I think all mom’s could use a 10 minute nanny every so often. Mine is when i am trying to get the dishwasher emptied just before i start dinner and the little is hungry and ready for dinner the second you i step foot into the kitchen! I just need someone to entertain him for that brief time between him realizing that he is hungry and the time it takes me to get his dinner on his tray!
Laura Wolf recently posted…Lantern Festival take 2
Oh, feeding time – definitely need an extra pair of hands then!
You do make me laugh Jess, in a good way. ‘Luxury wipe’ at home Ba ha ha. Mums are amazing. They truly are the best multi-taskers. Maybe you could set up an agency offering 10-minute nannies out… you’d make a killing! x
Ting at My Travel Monkey recently posted…BiB Awards 2015: Can You Spare A Minute?
I did actually think it would be a good business idea – for about ten minutes…;) x
I don’t know how you do this every day, really I don’t. I had our three for six days on my own and while it didn’t go badly the thought of having to do it every day of every week gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies.
Tim recently posted…Seeing the light
It’s like anything in parenting or life – you just get used to it…;) x
Hahaha this is brilliant hunny. I could use a ten minute nanny so badly at various times of the day just like you said. 🙂 I love the way you write hunny. So true and so funny. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme
Jenny recently posted…Family, feelings, and many firsts #littleloves
Thanks hon! Ideally I’d like a ten-minute nanny once or twice an hour…x
You had me at ‘luxury wipe’. WTF is that about????
(Mined ewe, I’ve been summoned to the school to perform said luxury wipe, on occasion. I shit you not).
FAB post. Xxx
Oh gosh it’s all so true, and I only have one to wrestle while I try and do everything else! I could definitely use a nanny to stop Elsa climbing up the stairs or running off up the driveway while I fold up the buggy and bring everything inside! We live in an upstairs flat and she will hardly ever just sit on the bottom step nicely while I juggle the changing bag, all the toys, the blanket, the shopping and my own stuff at the same time as trying to fold the buggy and get it into the porch without falling over! You should start a 10-minute Nanny Agency 🙂 #sharewithme
Charlotte @ Educating Elsa recently posted…Wicked Wednesdays 01.
Oh, I feel your pain! I was in an upstairs flat with our first and it’s such a palaver!
“Take the other two to the loo, because they like a luxury wipe when at home.”
That just really made me laugh.
😀
Ha ha, thanks Jo! It’s sadly very very true 😉 x
Brilliant post. For us, crunch time is between 7am and 7:30 when we all pile in the car so my husband can drive me to work.
In fact, if the nanny could come at 6:30 and deal with the entire morning routine that would be great.
Sarah Kirkup recently posted…My wonderful husband and his new venture
Oh yes, the morning is hideous as well. I basically need a ten-minute nanny every time we pass through the front door.
Wow- superwoman! That’s impressive multitasking. Hmmm, a ten minute loo break sounds great. Or a chance to finish a meal or coffee while its warm would also be well received.
#sharewithme
Mama, My Kid Doesn’t Poop Rainbows recently posted…Why I
I am no superwoman – just a mum with a very tense jaw around 3.30pm!