Bum-Activated Sky+, Or The Dream Family Sofa

Imagine a sofa with bum-activated Sky+, retina-scan TV remotes and baby wipe dispenser arms. Imagine, therefore, the ultimate family sofa.

Bum-activated Sky+

The only time I watch TV is when I have my dinner. The kids are in bed, I am not setting a bad example, I just want to watch a ten-minute burst of great TV while I munch. But there’s never anything on! I spend the whole ten minutes searching for something good, my dinner is gone and the moment is passed. It’s laundry time and that’s all there is to it. But imagine this – if you sat down and your sofa cushion automatically put on a programme you love! One you might have missed earlier but it recorded for you in all its memory foamy goodness! You wouldn’t have to worry about the kids being accidentally exposed to Ripper Street as – like with automatic doors – they would be too light to activate the cushions. If your spouse has one too they could electronically liaise (but, in case of a channel clash, yours would, obviously, take precedence). Changing the bum-code would be the 21^st century version of changing the locks.

Retina-scan TV remotes

Your brood are baying for ’Beebies, but can you find the remote? Can you heck. Reclaim hours of your life per week by investing in the new Supersofa – with remotes sunk into the arms, like on planes, but set in adamant. And don’t worry about the kids messing it up – these controls can only be activated after retina scan identification. It’s the passport control of TV-land.

Baby wipe-dispensing arms

Children flock when they see a mother attempting to have a two-minute sit. As if by some unspoken accord, they smear themselves – from nowhere – with chocolate, yoghurt or peanut butter. They bound up from the loo with bum unwiped, they explode with a massive sneeze, they start to leak in the nappy area. Just as you’re frantically scrambling for something to defend the sofa with, PING! Out of the arms pop baby-wipes – you grab one with each hand, do a bilateral swipe and welcome the cleansed infants to your lap. Your sofa lives to be smirched another day.

I tell you, DFS – I’m on to something! This is just the start! Have your people talk to my people. Now, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?

If you liked that, try this:

The Shouting Bra, and Other Mummy Essentials