If evolution’s so clever, why are kids so stupid? I mean this in the nicest possible way, but: all kids are a nightmare. I’m not talking about the standard tantrums-in-Tesco, food fights or changing-room-shower poos. I refer to actions that make you sprint, make you scream, make you summon 999. Given the sole purpose of our existence, biologically speaking, is to reproduce, kids are surely Species Sabotage? They have no concern for their own safety whatsoever. What is your child’s weapon of choice – how will he give you a heart attack?
The Choker
Sees something, puts it in his mouth. Can’t stop himself. Lids, stones, snails – what do they taste like? He has to know! Never knowingly ungummed, he likes to smile at you while partaking, showing a flash of – was that a crisp wrapper? The only answer is to live in an entirely edible house. And never everbuy marbles.
The Jumper
It started with the changing table. Then it was the sofa. Now it’s anything taller than his head. If it’s a bit wobbly, all the better. This child just wants to feel the wind beneath his wings. All you can do is teach him to count himself down before a jump so at least you have some advance warning: “One, two..” is your cue to dive to the floor as his human crash mat.The Climber
Climbing is a developmental step – but this child takes it too far. Most just satisfy interested parties that he can get on and off a chair. The Climber needs to be breathing the thin air of kitchen work surface to feel he is truly alive. Anything is a foothold, even your own flesh folds. Go and live in a miniature village till he’s ten.
The Hider
It’s our own fault. “Wheeeere’s mummy? BOO!” Hiding is one of the first games a child learns. We laugh at how cute they are, shutting their eyes thinking we can’t see them. But then they take it to the next level. Old enough to find real hiding places – and, most chilling of all, to stay silent once in them, even when we’re hoarse with yelling for them. Not so bad when you are 100% sure they are within your own four walls. But in the park? At Toys’R’Us? NOT COOL. Never mind, “19, 20, coming ready or not”, you’re dialing 999.
The Mer-Child
All kids love a puddle. The Mer-Child wants more. After all, he can breathe underwater. This is a forked tail, not legs, you idiot. Show me a lake, pond, ocean, I’m in it before you can say Baywatch. Stay inland. Always inland.
The Moth
If there’s fire, there’s a Moth. Any kind of danger, he’s there. Barbed wire, patch of stinging nettles, he’s all over it. But what the Moth likes best is a Road. Oh, he just wants to cavort with those cars! Leap with those lorries. Rumble with the rubbish trucks. Keep him in a buggy At All Times. Even if he’s 5.
The Bolter
He was there a second ago. Right there. Where is he? WHERE ARE YOU? PLEASE HELP ME! THIS HIGH, RED T-SHIRT. This is my personal nightmare. My four-year old has caused my heart to stop on five occasions. I am not rounding up; I know exactly how many times he has properly disappeared. Properly, not seen for over two minutes – a lifetime for a mother. Speciality: public places. My “top worst” was on a boiling hot day when at RHS Wisley (an NCT meet-up). We’d had a few close shaves during the day, but we’d made it to the exit. Nearly. I was holding my oldest son’s hand as he walked along the wall (a subdued Climber) when I realised that my younger son had disappeared from view – he’d been only a few steps ahead of us on the path. I was eight months’ pregnant, I had to keep hold of my other son, and I was screaming as I ran to the start of all the possible exits that he could have taken. I found him a few terrified minutes later, standing in the gift shop door, making the door open. And shut. Open and shut. Like my heart valves. My advice if you have a bolter? Don’t go to unfenced areas. Ever.
The Glazier
I have to admit, as a mum of three with too much lots of exposure to other people’s children, I thought I’d seen all the Types, but this is a new one on me, and comes from my very own child, the youngest. At first, I thought he was a mere common or garden Climber. Know what I’m dealing with – easy. But the other day while I was in the shower, I realised his true potential. The boy can sense an open window from the other side of the house. By the time I’d dived dripping out of the shower, his chunky little tum was on the frame, feet dangling below as he tried to gain the momentum to tip himself out. It was not a one-off. Suffice to say, we are stifling in our house now.
Maybe you think it’s strange that I should write a jocular post about this. But that is what I do. I use humour to defuse the perpetual terror and occasional tedium of being wholly responsible for three young human beings. Besides, as all the best movies will tell you, to beat an adversary you must first know him. To anticipate him. To cut him off before the world ends.
I’m on the BritMums shortlist for Laugh and votes for the final close tomorrow, Friday May 16th at midnight. I’d very much appreciate it if you voted for me here, although I admit this wasn’t the whole-hearted rib-tickler I probably should have put out on campaign eve. I’ve written a few funnies, honest. Take a look here: My *Brilliant* Blog Flog.
#BIBs2014
This is all 100% correct. Having spent a large amount of time with “other people’s children” *YAWNS* I can confirm that all children are BONKERS and they all fall into at least one of the categories above xxx
Thanks Kerrie – not just me then?! xxx
One of my sons specialised in hiding: he could vanish by standing at precisely the right angle behind a fence post, by curling up on a chair pushed against a table, by lying paper-flat under his duvet while I called, yelled, screamed, sobbed…observed by a number of his older siblings who knew exactly where he was but didn’t want to spoil the fun. This might not a be an all-out rib tickler but I love your solution to each dilemma, especially the edible house. Hansel and Gretel, anyone?
The very best of luck for the BiBs finals my dear. All fingers crossed. Little A is going through a big hiding phase at the moment, and she stays quiet too – it’s very unnerving! All the neighbours can hear me shouting after her :o). X
Another fab post, Jess! Each of the categories describes at least one of my monkeys, ha ha! Good luck with the BiBs! x
This is ace. I’ve had them all and the glued up heads to prove it. They are all nightmares and scare the crap out of you daily. Would it be mean to put them in cages when they are little do you think (joke! -ish) xx
So true! – and i discovered another of these the other day – ‘the circus act’! This requires at least two children one of whom needs to be significantly younger than the other (preferably who you still think of as a baby). I left my 4yo and 14mo playing together while I cooked tea. I don’t normally leave them together without the 6yo (who’s v sensible) there too because 4yo is not know for his forethought, but they were just in the next room, they were happy together and I could see them through the open door on my trips to and from the fridge etc. Suddenly the little giggles coming from them both turned to wild shrieks of glee. I went to see what was making the baby so delighted and saw his brother carrying him upside down across the room. the baby’s arms were flung out wide and waving around and his head was about 1cm off the floor which was covered with all sorts of sharp toys and trip-hazards. The 4yo was walking but – in response to his baby brother’s delight – was just breaking into a run. I calculated that the chances of him tripping (and dropping his brother head first on to some spiky and then landing on him) were about 98% so was forced to intervene acrobat style! The baby thought the whole thing was brilliant. My blood pressure didn’t. Great post as always, Jess.
My son is a Hider and was a Bolter, but only up until I stopped being pregnant and unable to rugby tackle him into submission as he took off. My daughter likes to play with knives and scalding hot liquid. She calls it cooking. They’d both like to be Mer-children, but I am with you on the staying inland and away from water features. Anyway, highly accurate. Good job.