So, I was cleaning my teeth – pretty standard morning stuff. When I inhaled. And somehow sucked a glob of toothpaste into my windpipe. As I stood gasping by the flung-open window, my toddler ran into the bathroom. I looked at his worried little eyes. Could he perform a Heimlich? I wondered.
Enemy at the Pastes
I’ve always thought “glob” was a pretty distasteful word, and my goodness was I forming a strong dislike to it now. The beastly little goo-bullet was firmly stuck in my air hole and my increasingly desperate coughs were not dislodging it. As if to add insult to injury, the gloopy missile started emitting fumes into my nose so I could barely breathe through that either.
I did not want to be minty fresh. I just wanted to be able to breathe.
“Mummy, water?” said my toddler.
I nodded vigorously, with what I hope was both a praise-conveying and reassuring expression, but fear was more of a grimace of chemical poisoning.
For now, the glob was burning my throat with its “advanced formula” and the water I was sipping was not helping any.
“Mummy, cough?” said my poor baby.
Looking at his beautiful little face, I decided I had to take action. I was still only able to breathe thinly through my nose – which my family will testify has never been my forte, despite its size. My adenoidectomy as a child didn’t seem to have touched the sides.
I felt like I was going to suffocate alone in the house with my child.
So I scooped him up and legged it up the road. By bad luck, I knew that my two closest neighbours were both abroad. I couldn’t talk, so how could I call an ambulance?
I needed direct action.
At the top of the road, I came to a door. I banged on it. A lady holding a baby answered the door and I signed for her to hit me on the back.
Hard.
She did.
Again, I signalled.
WHACK.
I shook my head.
She ushered me in and I started coughing even more ferociously while she showed my toddler into the sitting room where hers was sitting and went to boil the kettle in case some warm water would help.
My eyes were streaming and I was hypnobirthing myself into calmness as I methodically tried to force out the enemy at the oesophagus.
Meanwhile, being English, I was shrugging exaggeratedly and smiling wryly, as if to say: “Toothpaste! Who’d have thought it? Perhaps I have an inadequate swallow? An irregular gullet? A prankster of an epiglottis? ‘Hey, I’m here to stop stuff going down your windpipe! Or am I?‘ Do excuse me while I die quietly here in your kitchen. I’m terribly sorry about the mess.”
As you’ll have surmised from the fact I am writing this, a combination of near-death determination in my coughing technique and sipping warm water eventually eased the blockage.
I could finally say to this lovely woman, who I hope will now become my friend:
“Thank you.”
Since writing this, my friend and paediatric nurse Amy at 2boys1mum has informed me that you should “Whack yourself against a wall or Heimlich yourself on the back of a chair”. So there you go!
Or, you could just not inhale toothpaste…
Oh my goodness! What a scary experience! I’m one of life’s chokers, but it is always very short-lived. This sounded horrible. Thank goodness the woman helped you.
Sarah MumofThree World recently posted…Helping out
It was awful – funny in hindsight, obviously, but I did wonder if this was it – death by Colgate!
Well that’s an original way to make friends! Glad you’re OK after a scary experience x
The Reading Residence recently posted…Thomasland Has Got Bigger & Better!
Thanks Jocelyn – I can laugh about it now but it was pretty scary. x
Than God you’re alive!!! Death by toothpaste would have been rather unfortunate. My friend’s gran was killed by her own toilet. SHe sat on it, pulled the flush whilst still seated and the cistern fell off the wall and clocked her on the melon killing her outright. Now that’s just embarrassing right?!
Loved the post and glad you’re still with us!!!!
carry on katy recently posted…Why Big Macs Make Me A Better Parent.
OH MY GOSH! That’s just awful! Thank goodness for modern day plumbing eh? x
Holy Crap Batman!
Glad you survived to tell the tale.
I bet you can still taste the minty freshness.
I shall be brushing my teeth with caution in the morning.
Claire @ life love and dirty dishes recently posted…Don’t be late!
Not many people can make me snort with laughter at a near-death experience, but this was *so* funny, Jess. Glad to hear the Wry-household remains intact, though.
And .. epiglottis is one of the best words in the English language, I think. 🙂
Ha ha, thanks Tim, glad I made you laugh. As long as I didn’t make you choke…
O my word, I can’t even begin to imagine the fear and despration. Thank God that the woman was there to help AND ABLE TO HELP! You’re such a good writer … that was one word journey, woman! I hope your little one has recovered from seeing you in that situation. I’m sure going to be careful with my toothpaste now; I didn’t know they had the potential to choke an adult! 🙂 #aNoviceMumTwitterFeed.
Adventures of a Novice Mum recently posted…Wednesday Without Words 08Apr15
Thanks for your kind words – yes watch out with that morning routine now! And get to know your neighbours 😉
It’s a very dramatic way to make new friends 😉
Thanks for linking up
#FridayFrolics
Claire @ life love and dirty dishes recently posted…Friday Frolics Linky – 10th April
I don’t do things by halves! Thanks for hosting x
Who knew toothpaste was so dangerous lol – sounds awful xx #FridayFrolics
Mummy Fever recently posted…Alternative things to do in Orlando: Part one
Beware the striped terror!
Wow, how helpful is your tot? I’m not sure at the grand age of almost 30, I’d have offered such good help. Ps. I am that British too “So sorry I’m about to kick the bucket ilon you lino” haha!
#fridayfrolics
Mama, My Kid Doesn’t Poop Rainbows recently posted…The time I felt really mean for refusing to kiss a child’s ‘winkle’.
It was straight out of Jeeves and Wooster. “Would you mind terribly passing my a tissue to cough blood up into?”
Lucky you have good neighbours – if you lived near me, I’d have probably not opened the door (not because it’s you, just because it’s always someone selling something)! Sounds like a traumatic experience – probably wise not to brush your teeth any more just in case.
The DADventurer (Dave) recently posted…Getting The Sprog’s First Baby Passport
Ha ha, I”ll try not to take that personally 😉
So glad you are Ok – what a way to make new friends! I will always be doubly careful when brushing now! And perhaps teach the 4 yo how to do the Heimlich! #FridayFrolics
Kate recently posted…Airing my dirty laundry in public
Who knew such danger lurked in the bathroom!
Wowzers, that’s a pretty scary story. I am one of the world’s most accident prone, and can finally rest easy that I’ve taught my 2 year old to recite our address now in case of emergency… although of course he is yet to be able to operate a phone or get out of the house alone – eek!
Mummy Don’t Say recently posted…“It is NOT breakfast time. It is lunch time.”
That makes me realise I need to teach my children that too! Ah, so many eventualities to cover for. I’d never have anticipated the toothpaste one though 😉
Scary stuff, but top marks for making it funnny! Glad you’re okay and what a star your little one was for offering help. 🙂
Tom Briggs recently posted…This is driving me round the bend…
Thanks Tom – I know, he was a little trooper, bless him!
Oh my goodness what a scary experience and so glad that you managed to find a neighbour to help you. I am sure it is quite an anecdote in hindsight and an unusual way to make a friend but quite frightening at the time. Glad you managed to finally dislodge the glob of toothpaste and thanks for sharing the advice about self-help techniques for dealing with choking too.
Louise recently posted…Silent Sunday
Thanks Louise, yes it was a strange way to meet someone new, but a good result in the end!
Oh my goodness, what an experience!!! I love your writing, witty and made me smile despite the seriousness of the story! 🙂
Cathy
Thanks Cathy! Yes, was awful at the time but funny in hindsight!
Oh my goodness, I nearly choked myself laughing at this post…not the near-death part of it of course, but you write with such brilliant humour that I chortled my way through it with my husband constantly asking, “What *are* you laughing at!?” I’m glad you’re ok, must’ve been pretty scary but thanks for sharing the drama. Who knew toothpaste was so dangerous?!
Suzanne recently posted…Spring is in the air!
Thank you, glad to raise a chortle! I can’t go in the bathroom without fear now!
Glad you made it out alive. Maybe the fear of death is why it’s so hard to get kids to cooperate when brushing their teeth before bed…