The Ten Commandments of Marriage After Kids

1. Thou shalt not kill. Even at 3am when the baby’s crying and your partner says “your turn”. Even when your spouse suggests, “we should get him into a routine”. Even if s/he’s back 7 minutes late from work when you’re hanging by a thread.
2. Tit-for-tat shalt form the basis of your relationship. You changed the last smelly nappy – now it’s your beloved’s turn. You had your hair done? He gets an afternoon of golf. He had total lie-in time of 56 minutes last weekend? You get it now.
3. Thou shalt constantly debate: “who’s more tired?”. All conversations lead to this. At first you will argue about it. Then you will be too tired to argue about it. You will just make “I’m so tired” comments every few hours, lest it be forgot. Occasionally these will cumulate and flare up into an “I’m more tired” argument. Then the cycle will begin again.
4. Honour thy father and mother. You need them to babysit.
5. Thou shalt not sneak naps. Nothing is more riling than finding your spouse passed out on the sofa / your child’s bed / the loo. The day you find your husband’s sleeping form touching will be the day of his final repose.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Because you are too tired.
7. Thou shalt not covet each other’s life. The grass is always greener on the other side of the marital bed. Whether you both work or one of you stays at home, your partner’s life will always seem more cushy. See Commandment 3.
8. Thou shalt question each other’s parenting styles. He had a bottle from birth and he’s fine; you want to persevere with the breast. You think raisins are too sugary; he introduces them to Tangfastics. He thinks computer games are fine for four-year-olds; you think they’re the devil’s work.
9. Thou shalt play hot potato with your child. “Go and ask daddy.” “Mummy will do it.” “Daddy’s going to get up now…”
10. Thou shalt value each other more each day. You’re all you’ve got.

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