Knee-High Ninjas – How Babies Get You Where It Hurts

I was standing at the hob today with my baby by my feet, when suddenly I felt what can only be described as a deadly scorpion’s lash in the back of my thigh. I shrieked, scaring to tears the poor little thing – who was holding himself up by the very merest bit of my flesh, which he had grabbed through my jeans. It was a Micro-Pinch, the worst kind of pinch – and exacerbated by denim, that most ungiving of fabrics. As I cuddled him better, I reflected on the myriad other ways in which this dear bundle hijacks me daily – unwittingly, but so terribly effectively.

  1. The Thigh Roll. You are on the floor supporting him standing while chatting to your fellow mummies, when he takes the opportunity to step onto your thigh flesh. His weight rolls it down to the ground, providing a flat surface for his bouncing convenience. You nearly faint.
  2. The Calf Roll. As above, but even more excruciating. As seen with the Micro-Pinch, the less flesh involved, the more painful the experience.
  3. The Belly Knead. Why pay good money to have someone massage your abdomen to free up seven pounds from your colon, when you can just allow your baby to pedal away at your torso? This doesn’t really hurt – in fact it can be fairly enjoyable ­- it’s more of a ‘’vain pain”. Occasionally it bothers me that I have a conveyor belt of flab fit for this purpose – then I thank my body for producing this beautiful child and have another biscuit. 
  4. The Gum Hook. He is looking up adoringly at you…at those teeth, he has to get those teeth! Distracting you with his gorgeous gaze, he jabs in his finger quick as lightning and has you hooked like a fish, his little nail lacerating that really sensitive bit inside your bottom lip. Very difficult to remove without bloodshed.
  5. The Pupil Poke. Apparently, there are no nerves in your pupil. Your baby seems to know this, as that is where he aims when stabbing your eye, but I defy any mother not to flinch away, and therefore get the little digit exactly where it does hurt, in the rest of your eye, or eye socket, if you managed to close them in time. Bitterly painful, and stumbling around blind while holding the little perpetrator is most dangerous. 
  6. The Muzzle Nut. By muzzle, I mean that bit of bone above your top lip. The bit that babies and children are unerringly good at head-butting from all angles. Agony – momentary, but agony.  Not to be confused with …

  7. The Chin Chomp. Your baby suddenly throws his head up from under you, thumping your lower jaw closed and causing you to bite your tongue and shed hot tears.
  8. The Hair Hank. A baby will toy with the ends of your hair, giving it a pretty hefty tug with the fist, pretty much from birth. However, after a few months, they sharpen their game and really only bother with the baby-hair right at the nape of your neck that you couldn’t get into a ponytail if you tried, and which, when pulled, hurts like you cannot believe.
  9. The Boob Bite.Excruciating. Talk about biting the boob that feeds you.
  10. The Heart Seize. Every day, your baby hits you with a love so immense that it hurts. This makes all the above not only tolerable, but positively desirable. 


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