The Shouting Bra, and Other Mummy Essentials

You can’t command respect naked. Not even from your kids. Hence, I propose a Mumswear diffusion line, starting with The Shouting Bra and the Pants of Power.

The Shouting Bra
However you choose to guide your children’s behaviour – using your lower register, gentle discipline, shouting, pleading with them to “just be quiet and still for five seconds pleeeease?” – you can’t do it with boobs akimbo. You need what I am calling, for brevity, The Shouting Bra. Any bra will do, you just need to strap those babies down. You just can’t exert authority while your breasts are fighting for freedom. I realise this every morning, when it’s got to leaving-the-house countdown time, and I am trying to verbally encourage three children to get dressed, eat breakfast and generally hustle, while still in my PJs. There’s just something about having nothing on under your top that erodes credibility. You can’t let it all hang loose when you’re trying to run a tight ship. Plus, babies and children are incredibly good at inadvertently grabbing a handful of boob or nicking your nip as you lug them around, so it’s only sensible to wear protection.
The Pants of Power
My baby is quite self-reliant – has to be, really, since he has two extremely boisterous big brothers. However, at key times, like getting ready for school, he eschews his habitual independence and decides to cling to my legs in a cute, but somewhat encumbering, manner. So it was that this morning, as I was at the sink, he succeeded, by gradual but persistent endeavour, in pulling my pyjama bottoms down. Right down. Much to the great amusement of his siblings. How, while they were shouting uproariously, “mummy’s got a bare bottom! mummy’s got a bare bottom!”, could I then turn around and have the cheek to chastise them for not finishing their Cheerios? I realised then that not only do I need to snap on a bra on rising, but I must also don the Pants of Power. Again, despite the Fifty Shades of Grey-esque name, any kecks will do.
Underwear Is Not the Answer, But It’s a Start
I’m not trying to claim that ‘bras for breakfast’ is the Parenting Holy Grail. But ask yourself this, have you ever won an argument with anyone naked?
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