Mums are invincible. Everyone knows that. They have to be. Because kids need us to be invincible. If we crumble when they tantrum, if we cry when they spill our wine, if we crack up when they fart, the whole fabric of the family disintegrates. Imagine what anarchy would ensue if they knew we were exactly like them. Just bigger.
The Speech Mums Will Never Make, from The Mummy of Venice
Wrylock: Hath not a mum bags under her eyes? Hath not a mum red-raw hands, stretchmarks, a slight drinking habit, battered senses, unsuitable affections for CBeebies presenters (a direct result of Stockholm syndrome), passions for Freddo frogs? Fed with
the same piece of toast (after you’ve licked all the peanut butter off it), hurt with the same sharp fingernails (yours), subject
to the same nits, healed by the same Hedrin, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as
a child is?
If you prick us mums, do we not bleed?
If you tickle us, do we not wee a little bit?
If you’re sick in our hair, do we not blench?
If you charge at us from across the room and head-butt us in the coccyx, do we not yelp?
If you yell for us while we’re on the loo, do we not invoke the right to wee uninterrupted?
If you dribble in our mouth while we’re holding you above our heads, do we not gag?
If you do a bonus poo on our hand as we are wiping the first, do we not recoil?
If you are having a good bath, do we not get soaked?
If you nag us, do we not revolt?
If you shout, do we not glug wine out of the fridge?
If you constantly criticise us, do we not feel small?
If you constantly criticise us, do we not feel small?
If you no longer kiss us, do we not cry inside?
If you poison us, do we not wash your hands a bit better before “doing baking” next time?
And if you wrong us, shall we not have a big cuddle? If we are like you in the rest, we will
resemble you in that. If a mum wrong a child, what is her humility? A tearful apology and eternal guilt. If a child
wrong a mum, what should his sufferance be? Why, an enormous hug, an extra bedtime story and utter, unconditional, unceasing, undying love.
And if you put a mum through to the BIBs final, do we not swoon with gratitude and amazement? Thank you so much for all your support.
What other people read on viewing this item:
Knee-High Ninjas – How Babies Get Us Where It Hurts: Featuring the Micro-Pinch, the Thigh Roll and the Boob Bite, among others.
The Present Face – Time To Get Practicing: On how we are more like our children than we might like to admit.
I’ve linked up with #loudnproud this week. I am so incredibly proud to have made it to the BritMums BIBs final, even though I haven’t been very loud about it on my blog.
I’ve linked up with #loudnproud this week. I am so incredibly proud to have made it to the BritMums BIBs final, even though I haven’t been very loud about it on my blog.
Laughs and literature! Wry Mummy has it all, brilliant post and as ever, oh so true.
Thanks so much!
Love this! The dribble in the mouth line had me laughing out loud – been there! Though, sadly, I’ve had pretty much all of these situations, too!
Thanks Jocelyn! x
Blood hell bab! This is totes amaze! You’re like proper clever you are. I LOVE IT! xxx
Aw thanks babs! xx
Just woke the baby up from her nap laughing… worth it!
Congratulations!
Thanks – but oh no, disaster nap disturbance! x
Very profound Jess, i love it! Also i am glad i am not the only one who receives charging headbutts, although mine sometimes come at my front region too :-/
Ah yes, the frontal thump – a real treat! x
Haha – brilliant! Shakespeare would be proud 🙂
Thanks! I think he’d turn in his grave 😉
Absolutely brilliant and genius post you clever monkey you. Hope you have had a good half term and very well deserved on becoming a BiBs finalist! X
VERY clever – well done! and also very true! xx
Loving the Shakespeare/Mummy mash up! Very clever and funny X #BBP
Brilliant and the Bard would be muchas impressed. One of my faves of yours lady. I was hooked by ‘If you tickle us, do we not wee a little bit.’ Genius! x
Congratulations on making finalist at the BiBs! How exciting! And what a lovely blog post – it is so funny the view children have of their mums, I’m 38 and I still think that my mum in invincible and knows EVERYTHING!
#BrilliantBlogPosts
I am still sniggering at the bonus poo – I hope they never stop the kisses xxx lovely post x
Me too – but my 6yo already wipes them off his face if I get a kiss in ;( x
Great post, you clever lady! You cannot possibly be a sleep deprived mummy of three and write so well… You really deserve that award!
Ah, Mel, you are too kind. Thank you!x
This is brilliant!! Congratulations on making it to a finalist 🙂 #PoCoLo
Aw, thanks so much x
Another fabulous post hun. Congratulations on making it into the finals. #PoCoLo
Thanks Izzie! x
Heehee x BiBs finals here we come :))) x
Yeah baby!x
Congratulations for making it to the BiB finalists! 🙂 I wish I were an invincible mum though 😉 #PoCoLo.
So, so true and it’s that affinity which makes us great, imperfectly perfect Mums, you deserve to be a finalist darling! Thanks for joining in with #brilliantblogposts
Hehe very funny!! Yes we are just big kids, well I definitely am but I don’t hide it lol!!!! Congratulations on making the Bib finals x #pocolo