If biting the bruises out of bananas is not the pinnacle of maternal love, I don’t know what is. If you’ve ever eaten the debris out of the carseat because you couldn’t face carrying it in your hand, you’ll know this – motherhood turns you into a human dustbin.
Minesweeping kids’ teatime plates is a commonplace of motherhood and the bane of many a post-baby body blitz. “I just can’t stand waste,” you mumble, through a mouthful of ice cold potato waffle. Hey, it saves scraping stuff in the bin and the inevitable loss of a precious baby fork that you then have to rifle through the mushy Cheerios and double-bagged nappies for.
The consenting, or Instagrammable, food share
What could be cuter than mother and baby chomping their way to the middle of the same strand of spaghetti, ending this eminently vid-worthy experience with a delicious kiss? The closest I’ve got to this is sharing a breadstick, which ended in a soggy mess, but was cute nonetheless. And then there’s the
The human food prep machine
Most commonly seen in the car, this includes biting the bruises out of bananas, and eating all the skin off an apple to satisfy the back-seat partial fruit-lover. Other examples include, eating the crusts off the sandwiches, eating the biscuit around the jam in a jammie dodger (not really a hardship, that one) and eating the pith of bits of satsuma (well fiddly!).
But what about the unsung side of motherly mastication?
The regurge recipient
Sometimes (too often!), there just isn’t a bin around when you need one. Like when your child wants to spit something out. We were on our way to the car yesterday when my youngest decided he didn’t like Smarties after all, and spat all seven of them out into my swiftly-proferred hand. There they lay, their now-softened, not-as-bright-as-in-my-day shells cracked like my detergent knuckles, in a pool of sugary drool that was starting to drip through my fingers. The baby wipes were deep in the changing bag, I was holding onto the littlest on his scooter with the other hand, the other two boys were shooting ahead and I had to push the buggy. I did the only thing I could do in the circumstances – reader, I ate them.
Out of the mouth of babes
As such occasions go, it was one of the more pleasurable. I’ve eaten all sorts from the maws of my children – balled-up Marmite sandwiches, too-large mouthfuls of ice-cream, naked Maltesers. With the chocolate all sucked off, surely these last are practically a dieter’s dream?
Regurgitated food is not the sole preserve of mothers and baby blackbirds, though. My friend once cooked a roast for us. My (then, only) son, aged about two, was delighted with his first taste of roast pork. Five minutes later he was still chewing, his eyes were beginning to bulge, and I gently removed it from his tired jaws. Whereupon my friend’s husband leant over and ate the rejected delicacy. “Mmm, tender,’ he said. One man’s gross is another’s gourmet, it seems.
Surely I’m not the only one who has automatically licked their chocolatey finger, before recalling the leaky nappy you just changed?
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Linking up with the fab PoCoLo
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Yak! Yak! Yak! re the Friend’s Husband and the Roast Pork – truly vile.
Most of the others I have done – certainly the bruises out of bananas and the ‘tidying up’ of kids plates [blush]
Not sure I could manage drooly Smarties though… Bleurgh.
Ha ha! I just did it on autopilot, couldn’t stand the sticky mess in my hand any longer and I love chocolate in any form. Evidently.
Guilty guilty guilty!
And i could snatch those smarties right out of your hand 😉 #yum
Plenty more where those came from, Katie! Glad I’m not the only one!
I have all this to look forward to. Looking forward to the chocolates 🙂
Pre-warmed are definitely the best Smarties…honest! Enjoy.
I once accidentally ate my son’s bogey. Ewwww. I thought it was a bit of breadstick on his chin, ergo acceptable to eat as I couldn’t be bothered to reach for the wet wipes and we were in a carpark. Absolutely revolting :o(
Ha ha! From the way they go through them, you’d think bogeys were the most delicious thing on earth, mind you!
Oh massive voms!!! I have been forced to eat much regurgitation in the past and I can thoroughly sympathise! I would never eat a bruised banana though 😉 xx
The bruises have a strangely sweet and enjoyable taste – an acquired one, for sure. You just have to get over the texture. The things we do!xx
Ew, the memories of leftover bits. Grim. Thankfully I’ve not had to experience much as my son generally troughs everything possible. And I draw the line at raisins found in corners of the car.
I think my kids have eaten everything – till I find little stashes of broken biscuits and half-chewed Haribo. Divine!
Ewww! Jess that is pretty grim! I have to admit to doing a few of those though – I’d rather gouge a bruised banana with my fingernails and lob it into a tissue though (granted, not always a tissue to hand!) I do eat a *lot* of discarded crusts though. X #sharewithme
There’s never a tissue around when I need one. Crusts are the best! x
Haha – motherhood is gross on toast ( we would eat that too) xx
Yep, sure would, without even noticing. We don’t get a chance to eat properly, who can blame us! xx
Hahah Brilliant I have done this far too many times. I can’t even count. I am so relieved I am not the only one. Especially when people are around and you can’t just throw it on the floor. it always goes in my mouth. My kids even take things out of their mouth and hold it up to mine and if I have been talking and not paying attention I didn’t realize it came from their mouths and not their plate as a shared treat. Disgusting but this is motherhood. hahaha Through and through! I love this. Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me Always great to see you there. 🙂 Love your writing. #sharewithme
Ha ha, we’re totally distracted enough to fall for the wee one’s tricks to feed us with their regurgitated delights! xx
Alternately gagging and laughing too much to compose a considered comment – but please, banana bruise? You almost make it sound acceptable…with your gift for justification you should write a Compost Cook Book – How to Feed a Family on Re-Gurge.
Or when you pop a piece of chocolate in your mouth, are spotted, and have to take half of it out of your mouth and put it into the mouth of the child who saw what was going on, and then have the other child catch this exchange and demand the rest (from your mouth). Oh the loss of dignity as a mother.
Gross! I would have just loudly declared them ‘Biodegradable!’ and flicked them discreetly into the nearest bush! I have never eaten any of this stuff or finished off my kids’ food! I think I’m the only one!
Ha ha GROSS. But so true. I am defo guilty of this. And more, probably … 🙂 xxx
It comes with the territory, doesn’t it? Yum! xxx
I am trying very hard to forget how many gross food related things I have done with the boys …..
Yes things we do for love =P #brillblogposts
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This is hilariously gross – really, really gross….. I’m trying to imagine how those smarties tasted! Very well observed. X
Hmm, yes, I think I can admit to most of these although I would rather not! x
I am so glad to see that I am not the only one! Judging by the comments and your post it seems everyone is confessing! I think I would only do the eating if spat in your hands thing if it was chocolate – I haven’t done it with anything else! Thank you for linking to PoCoLo 🙂 x
Oh God bab. I have popped things in my mouth that make me sick when I think about them. I just do it without thinking. I don’t why this all sounds really rude?? Ha ha ha ha!!!! Can’t wait to see your face next week! xxx
Shut up, that didn’t happen?! Vom, my lovely Grandma Hilda (not by blood) but who was like family once ate a scone my brother had pre-chewed and it was too late to stop her. This post made me laugh! I’m weird and don’t like sharing cutlery, even with my kids! Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts