Why do babies always get ill when you’re out? They seem to have an inbuilt Fun Radar, which automatically releases germs into their system when they sense mummy is on her third glass of vino. My baby’s radar went off at midnight on Christmas Day this year – so I was cleaning up chunks, drunk…
Cleaning Up Chunks: A Christmas Special
Christmas Night. We were about to start the third, and final, round of a hilarious and tense Hat Game. My team was way behind but we were talking the talk and determined to win it back, when my dad came in and said in my ear, “The baby’s crying”. With drunken speed I powered up the stairs, all ready to administer the usual cuddle and return to bed. I picked up the little darling and he promptly threw up all over me – over my top, my socks, my sparkly necklace with loads of little claw bits for the sick to cling to. It was the classic congealed milk puke with which I’m sure every parent is familiar. Once I’d cleaned him up, he was fine, and I concluded that it was a coughing fit that had prompted the expulsion, rather than a tummy bug. Much to the relief of the large number of assembled family members downstairs.
He’d been absolutely fine all day, and wasn’t coughing any more, so I was at ease with his state of health. Thus, all I had to worry about now was the post-puke ops. Clearing up vomit is the true exemplification of the division of labour, as I’ve noted before in Cleaning Up Chunks – A Mother’s Glory. It is a job for mummy hands (in our house, anyway), and let me tell you, cleaning up chunks while drunk, at 1am on Boxing Day, is no fun at all. My fault, obviously, for assuming that once the kids were all safely asleep, I could go downstairs and enjoy some Christmas cheer.
The Fun Radar
It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, though. The Fun Radar has caught me out so often over my mummy years. How many times have you been halfway through dinner and the babysitter calls – one of the children has a temperature. My husband took me away for a surprise anniversary treat a couple of years ago – within an hour of leaving, we had the call from his mum saying one of them had been sick. I immediately started crying and literally shaking with guilt and the need to be with him. Because, of course, when my children are ill, nothing else matters. I not only have to be at their side, but I want to be, with every cell of the body which nurtured them for nine months. Even if every cell is 100% proof.
Both of mine have a definite fun radar!! Christmas eve the baby kept me awake pretty much all night and the boy did the same the year before.
They must have discussed it or something!
Great post. Feel your pain on this one – Baby Girl’s rash the day before we were about to go on holiday proved her Fun Radar is very sensitive. Thank goodness she turned it off for the Christmas hols. Oh no, wait, she’s got another chest infection and tooth coming. Sound the alarm. xxx
I think you’re on to something here! Kids can always sense when their mom is trying to have some fun or just relax, and then it happens! Cleaning up the bits is a mummy job in our house too 😛
Hurrah For Gin – those cheeky chapsters, I swear they run a tag-team.
Makemeanearthmother – thanks, and sorry to hear about the little lady: someone’s obviously angling to see in the new year with mummy and daddy! xx
Hi Tarana, thanks for reading! I turned off Captcha just in time to “capture” (groan!) your comment (I didn’t realise it was on until the lovely Makemeanearthmother kindly pointed it out). Perhaps women are actually born with a less developed gag reflex?! 🙂
I actually recommend using the Fun Radar against them. If you have trouble getting your kids to put on their shoes and leave the house on time to get to school or other activities, just go sit in the car with a good book and a glass of wine, and they’ll be in their with you, strapped in and ready to go, within five seconds.
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Great idea, Judith!