When your husband does not feature in your Last 10 Calls list, is it a concern? Is the art of inter-spouse conversation dead? How could this possibly have happened? I’m sure it’s nothing to do with me, but for fairness’s sake, I examined a typical phone conversation for clues and have come up with the following step-by-step guide to reigniting mobular love.
1. Answer the phone
Wrong: [looking at phone in alarm, followed by impatience – I’m TWEETING!] Think, whatever it is, if he’s not here, I’m not interested.
2. Greet husband affectionately
Wrong: “Yes?” Said in manner of snooty shop assistant in Pretty Woman.
Definitely wrong: “WHAT?”
3. Appear pleased to hear from him
Wrong: “I thought you were the school. Don’t you know I pick up Harry now? I’m trying to put the baby in the car and he’s just squeezed a smoothie all down my bra.”
4. Enquire after husband’s wellbeing
Wrong: “Where are the CAR KEYS?”
5. Don’t assume you know what he wants before he’s even spoken
Wrong: “No, I haven’t taken it to the drycleaners yet! There’s nowhere to park now they’ve moved and I have to get both the little ones out of the car and it’s the baby’s naptime and Harry will insist on walking on the church wall and I need to get milk which is totally the other end of town and we have to pick up Tommy at 3.23 and then go to swimming…”
6. React appropriately when he tells you why he’s actually ringing
Wrong: “In hospital?! But you were supposed to be home any minute, I’ve told the kids, I’m going out to yoga, the chips will be ready in 7 minutes and you need to put the peas on. When willyou be home, then? Can you still get the train?”
7. Leave an imprint of marital bliss upon his ear as you bid him farewell
Wrong: “HARRY! TOMMY! Get OFF DICKY! Aghh, the grill’s on fire!”
Things have clearly changed since we first started going out. You could say it’s a before and after kids thing, but I don’t think it’s that clear cut. Instead, I blame the two T’s:
Time – a lot less of it plus spent lots of it with him already: what’s to say?
Technology – why call when you can put commands straight in his calendar?
However, in the interests of marital harmony, I am going to try and bump my husband into the top 20 of recent calls. I may even call him myself. Is it just me who needs to re-learn the art of marital phone conversation?
I can so relate to this. I screamed at my husband, accidentally whilst on the phone the other day, he was so alarmed he came home earlier then expected – which was a result! #ShareWithMe
Ha ha – love it! I should try that. Oh, wait – I do. It makes him come home even later 😉
Ha ha this is all true. Ours go “Yes. No. OK. Will do. Bye” 🙂 Great post Jess. Did you know it’s only 9 days til Britmums, can I have a big squeezy hug?? xxx 🙂
Coming right up Kerribo!xxx
Haha! Thanks for making me laugh. For us, it’s quite the opposite. We have sane conversations on the phone, but at home, it’s always about dinner or running after the toddler! #sharewithme
Always a pleasure, Tarana! Good point – our phone conversations are practically scintillating compared to our interactions at home when the kids are around!
Even worse – getting a reply back text that says “OK”.
Ha ha – totally!
So funny Jess, i do them all. Basically i juts phone my husband to rant at him when he has done something wrong, like not empty the dishwasher, and then he hangs up on me!
I rant at him regardless of any actual wrongdoing. He is definitely to blame for everything that goes wrong.
lol! x I just txt mine… he annoys me too much otherwise… 🙂 x
Me too – it’s him that phones me as he gets impatient with my unresponsiveness!x
I do the exact same thing and I never call him obviously, unless we’re running out of milk. Then again, after seeing my phone behaviour written down so accurately, I guess I might try to become a bit more friendly/welcoming/nice! Great post, Jess 🙂
Saving two marriages for the price of one! Thanks hon!x
Lucas says – I’m so gonna show this to my Dad so he knows exactly how the Mother shoudl talk to him on the phone now!!! he he #sharewithme
Thanks Lucas! Though in front of you I’m sure the Mother tries to sound a little bit affectionate 😉 Civil, anyway.
This is, sadly, exactly what I do. Whenever he phones me during the day, I always answer the phone with ‘What’s Wrong!???’ How bad is that………… Awesome post 🙂 #sharewithme
I know – since when did ring ring mean emergency!
It is panic stations when he has five spare minutes for a chat. What? What? The Pressure? What do you want me to talk about? We covered what we are having for tea yesterday haha. xx must try harder I think xx
I know, right? It’s like, talk to me if you want, I’ll be doing everything else ever…x
Haha, I can relate to this! Hubby doesn’t make it to the top 30 of recent calls! Mel #SharewithMe
I did have to scroll for ages to find his number when I needed to call him. That’s my husband, not yours 😉 Huge congrats on the new arrival! x
I get a lot of calls from mine but I don’t make them and they go pretty much how you’ve described! Brilliant post as always Jess X #sharewithme
Thanks Sam! Not just me then! x
Oh yeah, most of these are us. Especially answering with ‘What?’ I have also found myself answering with loads of questions that I don’t actually give him a chance to answer – ‘Hi, Did you get milk? Do you know where my tablets are? Are you going out after work?’
‘Marital’, ‘Martial’, hmmm … coincidence of letters? I don’t think so. As ever, all so wittily and wryly true.
Hahahah I say it week in and week out but you always have me spurting out my coffee, laughing out loud in public places and I am in awe of your humor all the time. I like to think I am funny and sarcastic but Mr P says people don’t get me and I am not! But I guess as long as I think so that’s what matters. But I love your perspective on life and things through your post. YOu see the funny side of it all and we all can relate to this. I am still busting a gut over your Swarovski diaper post!!! We may have had one the other day… OOOPS bad moms club calling. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me. I will be sharing a post of yours tomorrow in my #lovethelittlethings post too. Just heads up. As you are brilliant. #sharewithme
Ha ha Brilliant!!
This is great! Seems like all our phone conversations are hurried and littered with interruptions. Good to know lots of people are like this! 🙂 #sharewithme
Calls?.. no, two word texts all the way for us baby!. Really funny Jess, I hope to meet you at BritMums x
This is brilliant and so well observed. Every wrong’un I have executed with perfect aplomb – he always phones at the wrong time, and when usually when I’m in the middle of something with Little A. X
This is funny, I can relate to it #sharewithme