How To Hold A Telephone Conversation With Your Husband

When your husband does not feature in your Last 10 Calls list, is it a concern? Is the art of inter-spouse conversation dead? How could this possibly have happened? I’m sure it’s nothing to do with me, but for fairness’s sake, I examined a typical phone conversation for clues and have come up with the following step-by-step guide to reigniting mobular love.
1. Answer the phone
Wrong: [looking at phone in alarm, followed by impatience – I’m TWEETING!] Think, whatever it is, if he’s not here, I’m not interested.
2. Greet husband affectionately
Wrong: “Yes?” Said in manner of snooty shop assistant in Pretty Woman.
Definitely wrong: “WHAT?”
3. Appear pleased to hear from him
Wrong: “I thought you were the school. Don’t you know I pick up Harry now? I’m trying to put the baby in the car and he’s just squeezed a smoothie all down my bra.”
4. Enquire after husband’s wellbeing
Wrong: “Where are the CAR KEYS?”
5. Don’t assume you know what he wants before he’s even spoken
Wrong: “No, I haven’t taken it to the drycleaners yet! There’s nowhere to park now they’ve moved and I have to get both the little ones out of the car and it’s the baby’s naptime and Harry will insist on walking on the church wall and I need to get milk which is totally the other end of town and we have to pick up Tommy at 3.23 and then go to swimming…”
6. React appropriately when he tells you why he’s actually ringing
Wrong: “In hospital?! But you were supposed to be home any minute, I’ve told the kids, I’m going out to yoga, the chips will be ready in 7 minutes and you need to put the peas on. When willyou be home, then? Can you still get the train?”
7. Leave an imprint of marital bliss upon his ear as you bid him farewell
Wrong: “HARRY! TOMMY! Get OFF DICKY! Aghh, the grill’s on fire!”
Things have clearly changed since we first started going out. You could say it’s a before and after kids thing, but I don’t think it’s that clear cut. Instead, I blame the two T’s:
Time – a lot less of it plus spent lots of it with him already: what’s to say?
Technology – why call when you can put commands straight in his calendar?
However, in the interests of marital harmony, I am going to try and bump my husband into the top 20 of recent calls. I may even call him myself. Is it just me who needs to re-learn the art of marital phone conversation?


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