You’ve been away. You’re on your way home. Your head is bursting with your out-of-home experience, and quite likely with your hangover. Across your addled brain run visions of your homecoming. Will your dream become reality?
The Welcome Committee
The Older Children
Dream: They will be sleeping peacefully (on your return at 8.30pm). You will drop a kiss on their foreheads, making them smile in their slumber. You will turn in within the hour.
Reality: They are both wide awake and instantly launch a “story offensive”, which quickly spirals into an argument about who should get read to by mummy first that can only be settled by a light saber duel. When you finally extricate yourself, they come downstairs every two minutes for half an hour. Your early bedtime trickles through your fingers.
The Baby
Dream: He will wake up with an ecstatic smile because mummy’s home. He will cling cutely to you all day, such was his longing to be with you.
Reality: He gives you evils as soon as he lays eyes on you. He slaps you with an open palm when you try to kiss him and cries hysterically if you try to hold him, lurching towards his father. Your months and months of round-the-clock devotion to his every need are wiped out by one day of daddy daycare.
The Plants
Dream: Have sucked up all that water you have lovingly poured on them every evening for weeks, have shaken off their bugs after you vigorously sprayed them with a pesticide that seared your skin, have guzzled the Miracle Gro sweeties you dug in for them, and burst into a bloom to rival Kew Gardens.
Reality: Have died.
The Pets
Personally, I don’t have any pets but I’m sure they’d welcome you home with a nice loose poo in the hall.
The Husband
Dream: Wakes you at 10am the next day with a cup of tea and (if necessary) an Alka Seltzer. Is gentle with you all day, cooks you dinner and tucks you in nice and early.
Reality: You’ve been away – therefore, you’re on duty. Never mind if you didn’t get to bed till 2am while you were away, you are getting up with the baby, leading the day’s childcare and cooking tea.
Does my recent experience incline me to be tender with my husband when he returns from his 501st stag do later this year? What do you think?
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This is all too true! I am now back home, back to reality, back to work and back to cleaning up baby sick off my top. That said, I missed the little buggers and I am happy to be home! Just glad we don’t have any pets either…. 🙂 xxx
Bang on Jess! i dashed off early to get back for bedtime and knew i would regret it – i did, the sod wouldn’t go to bed. And the cat? she shat all over the sofa 🙁
Never allow a cat into your home. Do not be fooled by kittens. Cats read minds, detect weaknesses, are masters of psychological and emotional manipulation and yes, they aim their loose poos, their still-alive but doomed prey, and their puke just where it will cause maximum revulsion – the kitchen table, your bed, or at your mother-in-law’s feet. Oh, sorry, wrong blog spot? But someone did mention cats!
You had me choking on my granola here, Jess! Every single point is so so so true! I do not have a pet either but I am sure that’s what you would get! Right, when your husband comes back from his next stag do, make sure you book yourself a pampering session (very early) the following day! That will teach him!
I was the same haha – and I had to go on the bloody trampoline and everything. Gabe kept slapping me in the face too. And next morning when the hangover kicked in proper… yep I was the one up a 5am. Worth it though. Had such a ball with you missus xxxx
Am I allowed to say that my husband had made shepherds pie and lots of lovely veg which he presented to me on my return? Sorry for letting the side down! I do have to say that the person most pleased to see me was the dog but that goes without saying. My advice? Get a dog asap! x
Wow, you are one lucky lady, Suzanne! I don’t think the trade-off between happy waggy tail greeting and looking after an extra body quite balances at the moment! x
Ha ha, I feel you will have your revenge!! perhaps buy the kids a drum set to help welcome daddy home!!!
Hope you had a fab time at Britmums. I’m sure this is all very true but I haven’t had a night away since before the baby was born so I can’t remember! Must book spa break asap! Sounds like you deserve another break too to make up for the stag nights!
I came in. Husband listened to me for three minutes. Then fell asleep. Boy woke up screaming Daddy and the girl said “WHAT HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME”. Should have bloody stayed there bab x
Hahaha – mine was already asleep and in the morning was not interested in even looking at me until she’d finished three bowls of rice crispies… oh to be loved… LOL x Was seriously fab to meet you lovely! Hope the hangover subsided quickly! heehee xx
Hope you had a great time at Britmums, loved all the comments on this too.
hahahah Brilliant. NO better than Brilliant absolutely amazing. I love your writing and I could read it and laugh my butt off all day. this was soo my reality of coming home. The baby wouldn’t come near me for a whole day and still giving me the guilty you left me for two days with daddy eyes. I have tried everything to get back into her great books. No luck and tomorrow is her 1st birthday boo. The tot well he just keeps asking for his daddy all day no matter what I suggest we play. Boo again. If only dreams come true. The hubby well he was fast asleep when I got in at 1 am from a long train journey but half woke up to say you are getting up in a few hours with the kids be quiet had a long day. WHAT? hahaha It’s life isn’t it. Hilarious that the imaginary dog pooed in the hallway I don’t have pets either but I bet this is how they repay you. Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me I know I already said it a few times. lol But so great to meet you this weekend!!!! Thanks for the continual linky support! #sharewithme
Haha!!
The plant one gets me EVERY time!! Attitudes/ behavior… you never know!
…But how hard is it to WATER A PLANT! 🙂
Could have put it better myself, and I can’t agree more regarding husbands. Example. I make tea I do the clearing away etc. Husband makes tea, I also do the clearing away etc. They get away with so much :o). It was so lovely to meet you at Britmums…. I’ve been out of it for the last week! X
Sorry for the late comment Jess, I thought I’d done it already! I know what you mean, kids were asleep after I got in last weekend, but they made me pay in the morning. Full on sulk cos I dared to be away. I’ve been making up for it all week. Even had to put in a ‘Mother and Son’ day with H today as he ‘didn’t want another weekend like last weekend.’ Oh the guilt. Great spot on post, as per usual Mrs xxx
Chuckling into my coffee as I read this – so true! After my first night away from the Little Man he ran screaming from me into the arms of his grandmother and Curly Girl’s first words to me when I got home after two days at Britmumslive were ‘where’s the goody bag?’ Perfect post and you have a new fan x