It’s 4.45am. Outside it is pitch black. The heating hasn’t come on yet. On the sofa lies a barely discernible shape. A small creature seems to be alternately lolling and bouncing on the lumpen object, which occasionally emits a kind of grunt, crossed with a groan. It is a beast endemic in houses with young children: the Sofa Slug.
In the flickery light cast over the scene by the TV, we can get a closer look at this force of nature. it seems to be draped in something – is it a blanket? or a medley of children’s fleeces that happened to be close to hand? No distinguishing features are visible, except its antennae, which are propped up at all times in case its young, the oozeling, decides to crawl or toddle back upstairs and wake the rest of the family. The only other protrusion from the protective layer is a solitary hand, which blunders out every ten minutes to press play again on the remote. It is too early even for ‘Me Too!’
If the oozeling is really poorly and not just being annoying, he will be tucked up in the folds of the ‘sofanimal’, only his little head sticking out as he feverishly follows the progress of Thomas the Tank Engine. As soon as the Calpol kicks in, he will commence kicking the beast that enfolds him. If he was just waking up for fun, he’ll already have been doing this. One by one, the other oozelings tiptoe in, guided through the gloaming by the beacon of the screen. They see with delight that there is an extra comfy cushion / punchbag lying ready for them on the sofa and set to work immediately. The lump gives no sign of feeling any of this, it just burrows further under its cover. An intermittent hiss, “Just don’t wake Daddy!” can be heard by those on the right frequency.
As the sun rises and it becomes, indisputably, day, a miraculous change comes over the mound. A stirring, a shaking, a stretching, a tipping-off of oozelings and coverings. It snaps into action, serving breakfast, dressing children, checking book bags, wiping bottoms, kicking a tea towel around the spilt milk, showering and dressing, changing a last-minute nappy.
It becomes, in short, a mother.
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Aaagh! I can picture this so clearly even though, I’m pleased to say, it was not something I was forced to do that often. Great post as ever.
Thanks Sarah. I seem to do it most days for one child or another! Gah. I know the CBeebies early schedule very well.
This was me at 3.30am (WTAF??) but I managed to confine her to the spare room with Peter Rabbit on the iPad while I pretended to be asleep, trying not to hate her.
Ouch – 3.30am!
I have been in this position many a time. Those damn wildlife photographers get on my tits peeking through the window after a bit though haha xx
I know, what’s with that?! Glad you picked up that I was aiming for an Attenborough hushed tone there! xx
Ha! Love this post, can just picture it. Hope your little oozelings are feeling better now. xx
They are fine, thanks. They were basically fine anyway, just felt like a bit of very early morning fun…x
Ughhhh that’s such an evil feeling isn’t it. Pesky oozelings! x #thetruthabout
My babies have preferred screaming while I pace the floor for 3 hours, unfortunately.
#thetruthabout
Agggghhhh! Do they have NO IDEA about day and night?!? #thetruthabout
4.45! My children are locked behind a gate and I wear ear plugs – it’s the best way 😉 Thanks for linking up to#thetruthabout Xx
So funny! Before a certain hour, I’m incapable of doing mom things, too! 🙂 #thetruthabout
I totally read this in the voice of David Attenborough! 🙂 Brilliant as ever Jess, and the perfect metaphor for a mother in the morning!! Xx
I love this! This creature is often seen in our living room around midnight, in addition to the early mornings. It is a strange animal indeed 🙂
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I love this Jess and I won’t sit here and make you hate me with I have never done this before but I know SOO soo many that do it too and it happens night after night. Bless you and what must be match stick eyes too! I love how you write though and it’s captivating every time! Thanks for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme
I have to admit that in our house it’s generally my husband that is the sofa slug… He can survive on a lot less sleep than I can 🙂 You were channelling David Attenborough for this one, brilliant!
Awww that shape and position that we mothers make when our children is sick. A nurturing position =) #sharewithme
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