You know how it is. You’ve been married a number of years, and you’re in – well, a rutis probably a bit strong, but, say, a state of pleasant and ever so slight boredom. It’s not that you don’t love your dear heart just as much as ever, but what with young children and jobs and life, your marriage is feeling a bit…stagnant. Well, I have two words for you, my friends: “Get rats!”
How To Get Rats
There’s a number of easy ways: slovenly living, moving to London or a farm, having a nice warm airing cupboard…
In our case, we have some neighbours who dug up their garden when we least expected it and thus dislodged a family of rats. Who could blame the refugees for scampering along the nearest branch available, straight into the cosy loft of the new family next door?
How To Identify Rats
I was lying in bed alone. My husband was away for work. I was woken by a scuffle on the roof. On the roof? Or in it? I lay frozen, hardly daring to breathe as I listened for more. Another scrabbling sound. Oh God. Then a loud kerfuffle followed by…silence. As the moments ticked by, I exhaled slowly and my mind began working its revisionist magic. Being very tired, I let it trick me into believing that it had in fact been a bird landing on the roof, losing its footing and then sliding down the tiles that made all that noise. This seemed to satisfy my leaden eyes and I fell asleep. As if a bird, whose very life depends on its ability to fly and land silently, would have made such a racket!
It wasn’t till a week later and my husband was back that I heard the noise again. This time there was no mistaking it.
“That’s a rat,” said my genius spouse.
“It sounds like it’s putting furniture together,” I replied in a strangled voice.
“They, you mean,” he replied.
We looked at each other in horror, our eyes gleaming with terror in the dark.
How the Rats Spiced Things Up
There are a number of ways marriage counsellors suggest you can improve your relationship. Who would have thought that they could all be put into practice with such unlikely consorts as the common rat?
1. Keep communicating
The next morning, my What’sApp was going nuts with messages from my husband updating me on where he’d got to with booking a pest control company. He even left me a voicemail message – with actual words, not a sigh and a click – for the first time since about 2009. I rang him to confirm that I too had spoken to said company, and the rat-catcher would be on his way at lunchtime. How appetising.
The rest of the day was alive with report and counter-report, as my husband and I relayed Googled rat wisdom to each other. By the time Frank the Rat turned up, we’d all but decided to build a second wooden rampart round our house, in the manner of a medieval fort, complete with mini boiling oil buckets for our rodent friends.
Frank talked for 40 minutes about mice, hornets, roaches, wasps, squirrels, and, of course, rats – your basic pest spectrum. Then he popped upstairs. I waited with bated breath, half-expecting to hear a giant struggle as if he were wrestling colossal rats to the ground and throttling the life out of them.
No such drama.
He came back down after a minute or two and said it was definitely rats, he’d lay some poison and come back and check on them next week.
Meanwhile, he put us on RatWatch, which involved extensive inter-spouse communication.”
“Did you hear that?”
“What?”
“THAT!”
“You’re imagining it, shut up and go back to – oh God, it’s the Rat Express!”
2. Touch more, not just for sex
There’s nothing like creepy noises in the loft to make you cuddle up. We were clinging together like babes in a wood.
3. Talk about something other than the children
I don’t know about you, but even their father doesn’t want to talk about the children as much as I do. How many date nights have you spent scrabbling for conversation that doesn’t involve the offspring? With rats, you’re never short of news! A fresh sprinkling of droppings spotted! Daytime activity in the Big Rodent house! Rumours that it might be killer squirrels from the mums at school!
4. Nurture your “in-jokes”
To evade the horror, we span our own little sitcom about the “friends upstairs”.
When the tapping started again, I quipped:
“Sounds like they’ve been to EEKEA again.”
On the night they sounded like they were having a party:
“They’ve just been down the Rat’s Arms and got a RatDonalds.”
“And now they’re going to watch ‘Mouse of Cards’ on Ratflix…”
I tell you, it was a shaky, grossed-out laugh a minute.
5. Foster a common purpose
There was one thought occupying our marital mind, and one thought only: Those rats must out! I don’t think we’ve ever worked with such equal fire towards the same goal. Yes, raising the children is a fairly key mutual goal, but there’s something about rats that has a certain immediacy about it, raises a certain fire in your belly. If the kids don’t learn to read this week, it’s not the end of the world; if the rats don’t leave by Sunday, I will.
6. Have a bit of healthy distance
I couldn’t bear the noise – or, worse, the silence, waiting for them to come in from the watering hole and start assembling flatpacks again. So I moved into the spare room.
It was awesome.
All the perks of breastfeeding – bed to yourself, pile of books and magazines on the side, light on as long as and whenever you want – without the frequent wake-ups and nipple pain.
My husband, meanwhile, toughed it out in our room, grimly determined to monitor the movements of our squatters, in order to report any death throes.
It meant we were forced to catch up on the day before retiring for bed. Which is a definite plus for anyone whose husband tends to fall asleep on them when you’re trying to tell them something important.
7. Try something different in the old conjugal relations area
Think Mr Darcy creeping along the corridor, all open blouse and dashing cheekbones. The hero and heroine have not seen each other get changed for days. The creak of the floorboard. Someone stirring. The heroine hardly able to contain her excitement…
Before getting up to put the toddler back in bed.
8. Create shared memories
The rats have gone. Either that or they’ve laid carpet and muted the TV.
But we still have the memories.
And we are that little bit further entwined, our marriage is that little bit stronger – all thanks to our nimble pals in the loft.
Love this Jess! You’ve almost got me convinced that ‘all you need is rats! tra la la la la’ Bit sad yours are dead actually – the image of them building flat-packed furniture was quite endearing. Less endearing for you though, of course. xx
Ha ha ha this is absolutely amazing Jess! Giggling throughout xx
That made me laugh, but also feel your pain. We have mice (at least I hope they’re mice!) and they have been very cunning at evading capture. One night one got half caught in a trap in the cupboard in my son’s room. The noise! Poor kid was terrified. Hubby and I were almost as scared. Had to get my dad round at 11pm to rescue the (still alive) mouse!
I live in a thatched cottage. We have almost-constant habitation Up Above. And yes, they assemble flatpack furniture. They drag it across the roofspace. They put wooden clogs on and play leap-rat. Those with no experience cannot imagine, or believe, the noise. But eventally even our tough-guy young farmer landlord revealed that rats Really Do Sound Like That. He had tried to persuade me they were only wee little mice … until his roofspace was invaded.
Just been laughing so much at this. Brilliant. We had mice in our loft a few years ago. The first night I heard the noise I thought it was a person up there. Those mice were wearing clogs I swear!
Yuk! Brilliant post, mind. We have a continuous problem with mice in our London house, and the day this week we caught TWO in a row – in the same trap, laid out in the same place after despatching the first kill. It did bring me and D together …. it was our naughty little secret, getting rid of the bodies without the kids seeing and being scarred for life…..
This is funny and horrifying all at the same time! 🙂 We had mice once and they were freaky enough. Rats would send me over the edge! #sharewithme
Haha, I am laughing but I think I would have moved out if we had rats. They scare the hell out of me! xx
Brilliant – this has just made me spit my coffee out across the computer keyboard! Genius! Glad you got the problem sorted. We found a mouse yesterday – am hoping it’s a one off, otherwise I will be in touch for some pest control advice! #BrilliantBlogPosts
RatDonalds! Ha ha! Fab post huni x
Haha You crack me up. Thank goodness for rats huh? Love how you write hunny. Always so entertaining and so much truth in it all too. Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme
Ha ha, pleased to hear your rodent friends helped you and your Husband get closer! You’re quite simply brilliant, Jess! Fab post x
This is so funny! I was laughing so hard as I read! Who ever thought that rats would help strengthen a marriage! Its awesome how that common purpose and new inside jokes and increased communication strengthened your relationship!
Oh my word Jess I’d have been absolutely shi**ing myself!! Really pleased order has been restored again now you’ve sent them packing xxx
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What a hilarious way to make light of a rat problem! My husband and I definitely communicated a lot until we got ours taken care of. Thank goodness for pest control, especially with a toddler in the house!