What To Give The Distracted Mother: Malcolm & Gerald Review

“Ed! I mean, Henry! I mean, Rex!” Nothing dilutes a mother’s power more than showing weakness. And what greater weakness does a mother have than forgetting the name of the child born of her own loins, the name she chose herself after months of deliberation / celebrity-pregnancy stalking. The name she murmured into his tiny ear through those long, dark nights. The name she proudly announced to the world. The name she sang to soothe him. The handle she uses to roast him for still not having put his school shoes on.

The more children you have, the worse it gets. 

Having to do a triple-splutter until I get to the offending target drives me to apoplexy and the children to hysterics, swiftly followed by indifference.  By the time I’ve got to the right one, they’ve drifted off to cause more mischief elsewhere in the house, used to my impotent stuttering.

Yet if other people get their names wrong…the hackles rise, the bristles bristle, the finger hovers over “Delete friend on Facebook.”

So what to do? One way would be to simply improve my memory and facial recognition.  Yet I fear that by the time I’ve worked out how to do Sudoko, thus acquiring the powers of Bourne, my children won’t be emptying family-sized tubs of aqueous cream on the floor. They’ll be driving themselves to work.

So in the meantime, what about putting stickers on their tops? Sounds like a good idea, but I have three words for you: washing machine filter. Simply writing their names on their foreheads could work, but apart from getting strange looks in the park, this also smacks of drinking games to me, which doesn’t seem appropriate at all.

One shout fits all?

What about not telling them off at all (um…!) or telling them all off at once – a kind of “one shout fits all” approach? Although my children often conspire in their naughtiness, there are times when it really is just one of them that needs reprimanding. There is no chagrin greater than a child unfairly accused.

Worst of all is when you have something nice to say to one of them and get their name wrong – hence losing the moment where the full force of your love and pride gets conveyed. 

Never get your children’s names wrong again!

Luckily, the lovely team at Malcolm and Geraldhave sent me not one, not two, but three personalized tops for my boys, all with different designs to suit their personalities and interests.
My oldest is now very into rugby and football – goodbye weekends – so this sport-style one is perfect for him. 
Who doesn’t love a rocket?

My youngest is all about the “RARRRING”, so it had to be a dinosaur for him.

Of course, the tops are not solely for the purpose of correct scolding, but for the children to enjoy. My boys certainly do love their new tops with their own names on. My toddler has already fed his dinosaur Cheerios. 

Since I seem only to breed males, I can’t show you any of my offspring sporting one of the fab girls’ tops, but here’s one of my favourite designs from the website.


These T-shirts are great quality, wash really well and look gorgeous. The company also offers fab personalised bags, hoodies and well cute babygros. This is their cute tag:  
The brand was named after Malcolm the monkey and Gerald the giraffe, the beloved companions of Alex (aged 6) and Charlie (aged 2). They (the boys not the toys!) were the inspiration for the M&G clothing line. 

The perfect gift for the distracted mother

If you’re fortunate enough to have your children’s names licked without visual aids, perhaps consider a mother you know who’s not so blessed. I think these are lovely Christmas gifts, and the packaging makes them all the more special.




Also a handy storage solution!       

Almost making me broody! (I jest, husband)
LIke me on Facebook!

We were sent these products free of charge for the purpose of the review, all words and views are our own.

Family Fever
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